Confessions of a First Time Mom, Part Deux

I thought my post pregnancy hormones had settled down, then 6 weeks hit and it was like I got ran over by a freight train. All of a sudden my newborn wasn't so newborn-y anymore. She's like a little person now, waking up with a huge grin on her face to brighten my morning and coos telling me how her dreams were. So like I said 6 weeks hit and the waterworks began as I realized how fast my baby girl is growing before our eyes. I've caught myself on numerous occasions this week holding her a little longer before I put her in her bed for the night knowing another day down is another day she's older. I know this is perfectly okay but as I'm squeezing her I'm also bawling my eyes out! I begin to think of all the things I haven't done yet or things I told myself I would do and didn't do and now my chance has passed. 1. Likesuchas her baby book. I hadn't written in it at all! Now I forget a lot of what's happened. I opened the book the other day and on one of the pages I'm supposed to write about our first day and night home. What did we do when we got home? I have no idea!--this of course is something she is so desperately going to want to know 25 years from now! 2. Although I have a ton of pictures and a decent amount of videos I really wanted to be that mom who did weekly updates or made a cool montage of my daughter 10 years from now looking back on the past 10 years. I hope she can forgive me for not buying those blocks with the numbers and weeks/months on them and taking her picture each week. She'll be ok, right? 3. Or how about the fact that friends and family bought her adorable, too cute for words outfits she can't fit into any longer that she wore only once or not at all?! This makes me so terribly sad. I hated removing her newborn clothes from her dresser and I know in just a few weeks (because she's growing like a weed!) I'll have to do the same with her 0-3 months clothes. 4. I think the biggest reason why the tears won't stop is because I just need a little more of Jesus in my life right now. I've missed Him in a big way. I know He's been right beside me this whole time but I think I've forgotten to acknowledge His presence. I still see Him, especially in my daughter, but I haven't had (let's be honest) taken the time to sit at His feet and just talk with Him, tell Him how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and ask His guidance on how I can be the best mom and wife, since this is exactly what He's called me to. Even as I type this I can hear Him telling me what I've been ranting and raving over above isn't what makes me the Mom I need to be to Anna. The baby book, the pictures, the super cute outfits will all fade away, and yeah, they're great for memories, but what really matters is the love I'm giving to Anna, those times that I do hold her a little longer, the moments I sit and talk with her, sing over her, play with her--those are going to be what she remembers. So if I'm crying this week over a baby book, a lack of pictures taken and videos recorded, and outgrown outfits I've totally missed the point. And I really don't think that's why I'm crying. My baby girl is growing up too fast and I don't know if I can handle it. How do you other mothers do it?! I think I know how...well at least this is what I'm going to do...I'm going to stop living in the past and instead enjoy every moment I have with Anna. Life isn't going to slow down for me so I should probably cut back on the tears (don't get me wrong, some tears are good :) because while I'm crying, she's growing, and I may just miss it due to blurry vision.

My little cross eyed beauty, on the day we went home from the hospital

Anna's most recent picture from 6 1/2 weeks. She's making America (and her Mama and Daddy) proud :)

1 comment:

  1. Jessica, first of all, Anna is adorable. Second, you are doing a great job, you should see my kids baby books:) ....they can join Anna in therapy for all the things I did not remember to write about them:) it takes awhile to adjust to this huge role as mom. With each of my kids I have had those same feelings of really missing time with Jesus. It will come. One thing I do to try to remind myself to cultivate his presence even in the busyness is to put up sticky notes around the house of things t pray for or a verse that is encouraging. God understands your job right now and he will help you to see him and live in the present and change diapers and nurse and all those things you are doing now. I wish we could see you all. Your little family is so sweet! Love, maria